Understanding the Complexity of Grief

Picture credit: Image by S. Herman/F. Richter at Pixabay

There is not a handbook for grief. While grief is universal across the globe, it is a highly complex experience that is different for everyone. Often grief is thought of as something to get over and having a sense of closure. Looking at grief as more of a continuum and something that influences us as we move forward in life is more accurate.

You many have heard about five stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, based on the book by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying, published in 1969. However, research shows that grief is not that simple and not everyone experiences all of these stages, and not in an orderly fashion. In addition, grief is more than just an emotional process—it can impact the functioning of our immune system, activate responses with our nervous system, and cause physical pain.

When we think of grief, we usually think about the death of a loved one, friend, or pet and missing their physical presence. The circumstances of the passing can add to the grief experience. For example, watching a family member succumb to cancer can make remembering the good times difficult when images of the final days continue to flood your mind. Sudden and unexpected loss may leave one feeling regret from words unsaid. Feeling responsible for the passing of a loved one and wishing we had made different choices is common even when we logically know it was not our fault. For those involved in the same accident, survivor guilt can be powerful and lead to questions of why.

How we respond to death is influenced by our cultural teachings, belief systems, and past experiences. A death can lead to other challenges such as financial hardship, needing to sell a business or a home, or a change in responsibilities. Family tensions may heighten while settling the estate or making decisions. Our grief response can be influenced by the impact of past experiences and traumas by how our nervous system has been conditioned to react.

Grief is not only in response to death. We can grieve the loss of the ending of a career, a marriage, a dream or goal we have been working towards, or loss of a physical ability due to an injury or illness such as the ability to walk or see. Grief can involve our identity and how we see ourselves. We may experience internal existential conflict regarding meaning and purpose.

A recent Brené Brown, Unlocking Us, podcast with Attica and Tembi Locke, brought up the notion that loss is more about living than death since it provokes questions about quality of life, what “living” each day looks like, and how we want to spend our limited time. While listening to this podcast, I reflected that times of grief shake our foundation of what we know to be, what is, and we go through a rebuilding phase of our future and search to make sense of the present.

While the intensity of grief lessens with time and processing, loss is not something we get over—it becomes a part of us. As we are each unique, grief is also personal and individual for each of us. There is no right way to grieve. No timeline. Show yourself compassion through the journey.

If you would like to know more about the grief process or would like support making sense of your own experience, contact Tonia at tonia@toniaandersonpsychology.ca or book a free consultation.